It’s Not Your Fault…..


I’ve repeated those words over and over in my mind for the last fourteen years. It hasn’t lessened the pain and it certainly hasn’t boosted my moral, even though I know I’m truly not to blame.
As a woman, or as a human being in general, it is devastating when something so horrific happens, rocking the very foundation you’ve built all your hopes and dreams on. Everything around you just crumbles, including yourself. Women feel every word, every slap, every scar, every action against them, and when that happens it’s impossible not to take it personally. You start to doubt yourself. You compare yourself to the super models of the world and think, “if I was more like her….”. You look at every flaw in the mirror when you walk past. You criticize every wrinkle and every stretch mark; you tell yourself that if you were perfect he’d love you more. Then you will cry, scream, kick and curse everything you ever felt to be true. That’s when the sadness sets in. The mourning. You will cry and you will grieve. That’s normal and it needs to happen. When you’re through with that, get mad. That’s okay, too. You should be mad. You should be damn furious that the life you were promised just isn’t so. BUT……realize that you aren’t the problem. He is. For whatever reason, men seem to think the grass is always greener on the other side. Not all men, but some. And they go through their mid-life crisis, or whatever the hell doctors are calling it these days, and they change. YOU may not change; you may still be the lovely woman you were the day you got married. Sure you’re tired because you have kids, laundry, cooking, ironing, school projects, cleaning house, paying the bills, etc. Being a wife and a mom is a full-time job. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. You are not alone in wishing for five minutes of peace and quiet. You are not alone in thinking that a trip to the grocery store can actually be a mini-vacation. Sometimes I even stop and get a milkshake just to liven things up a bit. We’ve ALL been there. That does not, however, give someone the right to abuse you. It doesn’t give them an excuse to verbally attack you or belittle you. Just because it’s not “physical” abuse doesn’t mean it’s not abuse all the same. Most abuse is psychological, and often times overlooked. You can’t continue to defend their actions, which you do every time you put yourself down. That’s what your abuser wants. To make you feel inferior. To bring you so low that you can’t possibly function without them. Their narcissistic ways know no bounds.
The good news? There are tons and tons of resources available to help you deal with the emotional and physical abuse you’ve dealt with. There are tons of online tools and books that can rebuild all you think is broken. It may be too late to save your relationship, but you can save yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT! It has taken me a long time to see the value in myself again, and slowly I’m getting there. It seems like a lonely place to be, but I assure you that you are not alone.


One thought on “It’s Not Your Fault…..

  1. Your article is well written and accurate about abusive behaviors. It takes a courageous person to move forward or perhaps a desperate one. In either case, baby steps can lead to a rebirth of one’s self esteem. I was particularly interested in the phases of breaking away from this situation and I feel the anger stage is appropriate and beneficial. Kudos.


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