I need to apologize. Several of you have emailed, texted, private messaged me, and asked me in person when the new book is coming out. The original plan was May, but……
I’ve been in a bad place lately. A really bad place. We’ve had two deaths in the past two weeks of close friends. I’ve been going through some things personally with my family, and on top of everything else, I’ve had severe health issues as of late.
Truth be told I haven’t touched the book in two weeks. I feel like I’ve deserted it and you, the reader, and the guilt is eating away at me. I want it finished. I want it available to you as quickly as possibly, however, I feel like at this point it’s best if I take a step back, focusing on myself and getting life back on track. I can promise you that whatever crap I would come up with right now would not do the story justice, and that is unfair to you and to me as well. What I have written as of now is really, really good, and I fear I would mess it all up if I tried in vain to push it at this time.
I won’t drag you down with the long, boring details, but what I will say is that things are pretty bleak. On the flip side, I have faith that all things will work out in the way they’re supposed to. I just have to be patient, and with that I ask you to be patient with me as well. There are children involved; my babies, whom I would do anything in the world for. Decisions need to be made and changes need to take place, all while trying to keep some sense of normalcy. It’s not been easy, nor will it be in the coming days and months.
I am attaching Chapter One. This is Heather’s introduction and point of view. It’s not a complete chapter, mind you, but it will give you an idea of Billy’s back-story and a glimpse into Heather’s life currently. If you read Montana Sky, you may remember that Billy was once in-love, but she left when he needed her the most. “Back to Me” is their story, and one that I am very excited to get back to in the near future.
Thank you all again for your support and enjoy!!!!
BACK TO ME- CHAPTER ONE
Heather- Present Day
The days are long, but the endless nights drag and seem to last a lifetime. I’m alone because I was a coward. Because I couldn’t face the reality of what I’d done.
I go to work at my shit job and then I come home to my shit house. It’s broken and falling apart, just like me. It’s not only ironic, but very fitting. It mirrors how I feel on the inside. Anyone would look at me and think I have it all together, but they’d be wrong. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s all a façade, a way for me to get through the day to day in order to survive.
I once had it all; a nice place to live, friends that were like family, and a man who loved me more than anything; a man who would have given his life for mine. And like the bitch that I am, I threw it all away because of one mistake… a mistake that never should have happened in the first place. One mistake that I can’t change no matter how badly I want to. It haunts me every minute I’m awake and even when I close my eyes.
I feel the loss. I feel it so deep in my soul that there’s no room for anything else. It’s bottomless, black, and yet it’s the only thing that reminds me that any of it was ever real. That’s the kicker. The kink in my otherwise miserable life. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much the air is sucked from my lungs, feeling the pain is the only way I know that any of it ever happened. It’s the only way I know that I was loved and that I loved in return.
I know I’ll never have that again. I’ll never walk down the aisle and marry the man of my dreams. I resigned myself to that reality when I left years ago, but I thought with time it would get better. The total naked truth? It never gets better and I’m not fine. I’m anything but fine. I work a job that I hate because I couldn’t function well enough to finish college. I have bills I can’t pay and a roof that leaks. I have a boss who is constantly up my ass for being late because my car is a beater that I couldn’t give away if I tried. No, time doesn’t heal all wounds and it never gets better. It gets worse. It eats away at you until there’s nothing left. Nothing but an empty shell that you know will crack. The foundation is shaken and the windows are broken. It’s all broken.
I sit in the dark, alone. My shades are drawn and the lights are off. No one notices because no one cares, and that’s alright. I lost the right to have anyone care for me. I lost the right when I did the unthinkable.
The guilt I feel over leaving him is, on a good day, unbearable at best. I think about Billy constantly. I could lie and say that I hope he’s moved on… that he’s married to the love of his life with two children and a dog, but that’s not true at all. It’s selfish I know, but that’s just who I am. Thinking he was able to carry on without me is a crushing ache unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, and there’s no cure for it.
I know this is my punishment, and I can’t say I don’t deserve it because I do. So here I sit, alone in the dark, praying for the end. There’s no one to miss me, so no one will know to look. There’s no one who cares, so no one will. And I deserve it all.
I knock back the last of my wine, swishing it around in my mouth before letting the vile taste slide down my throat. I turn his picture over and over in my hand. The edges are bent and beginning to peel away at the surface. I can’t stare at it for very long, but every now and again I get brave enough to glance. His eyes speak to me, begging to know why. I wasn’t honest with him about why I left. I knew he’d hate me forever and that was something I couldn’t live with. If he knew the real reason I ran, he’d never, ever forgive me. I couldn’t expect him to when even now I can’t forgive myself.
I kiss his beautiful lips one more time, praying for a response but knowing deep down there won’t be one. It’s only a photograph. A thing. A material possession that I cherish more than anything else I own. It’s always with me and it will be until the day they lay my cold body in the ground…. If anyone ever thinks to look for me.
©Kelly Miles 2014