I apologize in advance; I suppose I’m on an excerpt kick tonight. I just realized I’m posting all this stuff about “Blake’s Hope” which hasn’t even been completely written yet, and so I thought maybe I should post a letter from Billy in “Back to Me”, released just last month!
I’ve laid in this bed for weeks now, surrounded by nothing but the absence of you. It’s killing me slowly. All I want is for this to be over and have you wrapped safely in my arms once again. That may or may not ever happen, and I’m learning to come to terms with it all.
I’ve watched Raul sell women: battered and bruised women, each of them so strung out on drugs that they are unaware of what’s happening to them. I’ve watched Blake grieve for a woman I don’t think he’ll ever be able to save, though I’ll never tell him that. I know what it’s like to lose you and there’s no other punishment in this world that can compare to not being with the one you love.
I’ve watched Tom, my old boss, make deals and shake hands with the devil. I’ve watched years and years of work go down the drain because none of us were smart enough to figure all this out before now.
There’s something you should know, angel. I don’t want to be the one to tell you, but I think you should hear it from me anyways. I’m so glad you’re reading this and I’m not having to tell you face to face because I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m not strong enough to break your heart all over again. I wouldn’t be able to look into your beautiful eyes and hurt you with what I’m about to say. Please know, angel, that I haven’t known for very long myself. Matter of fact, I only found out right before I left. Tom is your father, angel. He’s the one that left you when you were just a little girl. The one that betrayed you and me, all for a quick buck. The one that turned his back on the brotherhood that the rest of us hold dear and true, not because it’s the code, but because we all know going into the hell that’s disguised as the FBI, outsiders will never understand. But that’s not true of everyone. You always understood, angel. Always. And I hope now you can find it in yourself to understand why I did what I did. Why I left.
It killed me then and it’s killing me now. Every day… every single second without you makes me want to give up. This life isn’t worth living if you’re not here with me. But you are with me. In my heart and on my mind. You fill every corner; every nook and cranny. Please, if you remember nothing else, remember how much I love you. Remember the feel of my skin felt against yours. The way my fingertips brushed the hair away from your face, and the way you fit perfectly into my arms. They were made for you, angel. You and only you. I love you forever, baby. No matter what.